Are you one of life’s givers? One of the carers others are drawn to for support?
When the chips are down and it feels like everything in life is a struggle, who is there to re-assure you and to tell you that “this will pass. It will all be OK.”? I’m asking because I don’t know the answer myself. When I feel like that I still seem to be the one re-assuring everyone else, keeping it together. My thoughts wander to kind friends who I know would be there for me and reduce me to tears because I know that they do care and that they would be there for me if I could only raise the red flag that says HELP I AM STRUGGLING. HELP I AM SUFFERING.
For that is perhaps my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. I am so good at holding it together that no-one even sees that it’s all falling apart. That I myself am falling apart. My Pollyanna reflex to look on the bright side of everything is so strong that I can always see the rainbow through even the darkest clouds and say “look – just over there, just out of sight, just out of reach – but it’s there”. But today I do not want to be Pollyanna. I do not want to be the one brightening others. I want someone else to do that for me. For me. I want to receive what I give so freely.
So why is it so hard? How am I blocking myself even now from asking for and receiving what I need? Why do I surround myself with people who can’t care for me when I am needy? Why can’t I call on those people who can? So today I am (for the second time in my life) going to make a new choice. I am going to reach out through that searing vulnerability and fear and say help. It’s help – a whisper not a shout. But it’s a start. A start of something new. Something that will help me and in so doing will help me serve others better. For I yearn for a life of service but no-one can give when they are empty, not even me!