Are you one of life’s givers?  One of the carers others are drawn to for support?

When the chips are down and it feels like everything in life is a struggle, who is there to re-assure you and to tell you that “this will pass.  It will all be OK.”?  I’m asking because I don’t know the answer myself.  When I feel like that I still seem to be the one re-assuring everyone else, keeping it together.  My thoughts wander to kind friends who I know would be there for me and reduce me to tears because I know that they do care and that they would be there for me if I could only raise the red flag that says HELP I AM STRUGGLING.  HELP I AM SUFFERING.

For that is perhaps my greatest strength and my greatest weakness.  I am so good at holding it together that no-one even sees that it’s all falling apart.  That I myself am falling apart.  My Pollyanna reflex to look on the bright side of everything is so strong that I can always see the rainbow through even the darkest clouds and say “look – just over there, just out of sight, just out of reach – but it’s there”.  But today I do not want to be Pollyanna.  I do not want to be the one brightening others.  I want someone else to do that for me.  For me.  I want to receive what I give so freely.

So why is it so hard?  How am I blocking myself even now from asking for and receiving what I need?  Why do I surround myself with people who can’t care for me when I am needy?  Why can’t I call on those people who can?  So today I am (for the second time in my life) going to make a new choice.  I am going to reach out through that searing vulnerability and fear and say help.  It’s help – a whisper not a shout.  But it’s a start.  A start of something new.  Something that will help me and in so doing will help me serve others better.  For I yearn for a life of service but no-one can give when they are empty, not even me!