Today is a back to school day. After a long, wonderful, challenging and life affirming summer I am once again able to sit at my desk with the house breathing a long quiet sigh around me. I have an opportunity now to focus on my own needs as well as those of the family. My brain wants to know what it needs to DO. Where’s the “to do” list? What is on it? What is the priority? When can I get stuck in? My heart is more reticent. I can feel it holding back, not fully committing to this busy-ness, this activity. So in meditation this morning I asked for clarity, for direction, for focus. This is the insight I received – that it is time to bring the new way of being that I have practiced away on retreat and to a small extent in my own day to day life into both mine and my family’s lives. Fully. Without compromise. I need to stand firm in my own light. I KNOW that the world is beautiful and abundant. I feel it in my bones. I must cease compromising this knowing so that I fit with the lower frequency of those I love. Boy does that feel hard. But it is only by being the person I am meant to be, living as a shining example of what is possible, that I can show others the possibility of transformation in their own lives. As Marianne Williamson’s famous quote says, being small does not serve the world.
So what does that mean? What does this new way of being look like? I have no idea! Following what feels good perhaps? Allowing space in my day to go within, to attune to the right decision rather than thinking it through. To realise that often when the busyness stops is when the creativity and inspiration begin. That I am allowed to stand firm on things that I know are good for all of us – healthy meals, time in nature, less TV & iPads, working together on chores, mutual respect. What does it feel like? This I do know. It feels lighter, joyful, right, congruent, with God. So this is my compass. I don’t yet know what this new life looks like but I know what it feels like and I must use this as my guide. I will know when I am off course because it will feel wrong. Because I will lose energy. Because my heart will groan rather than sing. Which reminds me, I also love to sing. I sang a lot on Iona – to the beach, to the wind, to myself. I must sing at home too. Kyrie eleison. Lord have mercy.
Mercy…benevolence, forgiveness, kindness.